I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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