nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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