Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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