the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
