I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
