do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
