I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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