Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
