just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
