I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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