i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
don't judge my taste in strippers
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Randomize
