it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
