I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
