and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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