Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize