nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Randomize
