I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
