im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
