Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
