I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
