so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
