so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
