I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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