I am puke
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
