I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
