I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
