the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
