News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
tell me about the eggs
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