if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
