Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
