just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
