can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
