Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
