i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
