The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
