I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
