woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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