If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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