Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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