At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
