THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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