wanna go halves on a baby?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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