Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize