Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
His hands were made for my vagina.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
