forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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