I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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