just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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