Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
