I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
