Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
