Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
