She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
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