My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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