I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
