My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
