That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
