can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
