Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
