sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
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