the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I need a beard to bite.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
