There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
