Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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