this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
