booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
