you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
