All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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