ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
