My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
