Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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