Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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