Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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